unstrung

I brought a blank notebook - a sketchbook to be more precise,
the first time I arrived here in America. It was actually an old Christmas gift from one of my
aunts. I was into drawing back then, and
she probably thought the gift would be appropriate since I’ve made a bunch of
silly superhero comics before I started high school. It was one of my favorite
pastimes, no doubt. Long before music
and accounting.

But anyways, barely any sketches actually made it to the book. Somehow
the pages ended up with words and dates, and with every turn; my days were mirrored
in some sort of "art-like" fluidity. As if my cheap pen was a brush - painting a picture
of my thoughts amidst complex emotions. Over time, it became a much more
serious medium of expression, and there was barely any room for large comic
bubbles and dorky little masked dudes. Just words - some written larger and deeper, others soft and gentle. It mirrored the
loss of love, friends, and quite often; the unrest of being someplace I didn’t
want to be in. I was journaling my transition – my first few months in an
alien place called America.

The entries barely spoke of tourist spots and better standards of living. Half of the time I was caught reminiscing what I
left behind, and what I’m missing. At times it even spoke of the rage coming
from my inability to enact my own decisions. Then of course, there was the
occasional "what ifs", "shouda, coulda woudas", and the "if onlys". It was like a drama
novel, really. Only without the press and publicity. 

Six years later, I am still here, and quite honestly I
haven’t written anything in the book in about five or so. Not because everything from then on was
smooth-sailing-sunny-sky-everyday-life, but I guess somehow the fire in me just
died. The rage and the rebellion somehow got replaced with practicality,
conformity and other priorities. It might not have been the best option to act
that way, but it gave me some sort of peace- whether temporary or not.

To this day, that old sketchbook stands as a reminder of who
I am, and what I’ve given up just to be here.  And I guess now that I face much more complex
decisions in life, it’s nice to have a moments rest to look back on the things
I’ve gone through and see how far I’ve made it. People say you can’t really go anywhere without knowing where you came
from.. well that little drawing book.. pretty much says it all.

i’ve added new songs on SOUNDCLICK.

weeeeeeee!!!

ok, bye.

It’s hard waking up at 3 in the afternoon and forcing yourself to sleep at around 11ish at night. Especially when its a Sunday, and you know you have to get up the next day and bill different counties in California for cost reimbursed mental health contracts, take care of money coming in, and data-enter future revenue to a lovely system called an accounting software.    It’s kinda like you’re in a calm before the inevitable storm… only the calm involves forcing yourself into a state of sleep.

It’s just that with a 9-5 job, the weekend dynamics are pretty much set. Friday you’re gonna sit around and watch a DVD of your choice, maybe catch up on laundry, while you enjoy you’re gourmet version of hot wings and vegetarian fish (w/c is quite good i must say). Saturday, you’re gonna go out to Vacavillle and shop for Christmas gifts with a friend.. maybe go around the Border’s Bookstore hoping to find a decent deal to use that 20 percent corporate discout coupon they gave you at work. And then later on, when the night is young, rendezvous with more people to go to a nightclub in Sacramento where you drink and dance the night away.    By the time you get back to your place, it’s already around 4:30AM and somehow the remnants of that Tokyo Tea and Michael Jackson’s BillyJean, has already created a spiraling feeling that’s strong enough to make the tip of your nose hit the top of your pillow.

And 11 hours later,… it’s 3PM.

And you’re here, after another dinner and the "Pursuit of Happyness"…. still wide awake.  Wishing that somehow typing this pointless entry has burned enough finger calories and generated enough mental work for you to slowly ease into another six hours of peaceful rest.

Did it work?     Not really.     But at least, you got to update you’re blog.

I miss college.    Not only coz I get to slack off every now and then, but I miss making more interesting random thoughts. i.e. those times where I sit in front of my computer making aimless essays about nothing at all.. Even though most of them are immature and senseles, they are still entertaining. To me, at least. (Yes., I get amuzed listening to my own dorky and kiddish self). Lately, the job, living on my own and finding out whats really out there,, made me this old boring geezer.   You suck, real world.

I don’t know. I think I’m in that stage in life where I’m in front of about a million doors.. and I’m too lazy or scared to sit down and ponder which ones to take. Is this what they call a quarter life crisis..? So if a person with a mid life crisis gets a Porsche, should I go ahead and get me a Honda? (cheaper, economical car for the 22ish) haha. wait……….. crap.

So whenever I sit and pondor about what’s ahead I often get this "vanishing point". You know when you think about the future for an hour, and a bunch of things come up and you realize shit, now i’m more confused than ever.. and the brain slowly shuts down and you’re back to square one.. It’s like the point never existed.  Very odd.

I realized lately I’ve been loosing track of people. I know its really hard to maintain relationships, but sometimes i wish they had "thought mails" where you can send a note to someone while you’re doing something that made you remember them.  I’m sure it would require a lot of funding from different scientific/metaphysical organizations.. but hey, I promise I won’t spam.

I wish I hadn’t started eating this endangered species chocolate with "espresso beans". For those who are confused, its a bar of chocolate that gives money to help preserve endangered species. (no endangered animals were used in making them… as one silly person once thought…)  It’s good, but its keeping me awake like crazy. I have work tommorow, and here I am writing random blogs.

Oh and I still have half of my Chipotle burrito dinner in my desk. Gross, Chris. K, time to get out of this thing..

Writing is a lot more interesting when people don’t know who
you are. I meant that in a way where you’re actual readers don’t know you by face, and
they have no specific personal connection to you whatsoever. I’ve read blogs that have
had completely anonymous authors and a whole lot of them tend to be the more "fun" ones. (of course, im not saying that reading friends’ blogs aren’t interesting)
but it’s just that the anonymous ones tend to open up a lot more when it comes to
one’s thoughts. Everything’s a lot more direct and honest. No subliminal
messages, no double meanings, just a bunch of paragraphs said like it is. There are also no boundaries to writing and you can pretty much say anything without
having the care to see if someone will be directly affected by it. The words are raw, passionate, emotional, sick, twisted, conceited, but real.

But then of course, one can argue that you can always write
something in a journal that nobody knows, stash it somewhere.. and the effect
would probably be the same. (from the writer’s perspective at least) but it’s
always nice to know that you’re anonymous blog is out there being read by some unknown person in the
internet. That way you’re thought, no matter how insignificant it might be,
might actually be slightly significant to that random person who happened to
have stumbled upon you’re space in the web. So hah, bottom line: maybe I should
try an anonymous blog someday. (just for kicks) hehehe.

————————————————————————————————

ok, anways switch topic…. I know this has nothing to do with
anonymous blogging, but I’m considering purchasing a new digital camera to
replace my old point and click one. I mean now that I’m actually working and
earning dimes at a decent rate, I might actually end up getting one. This
is gonna be quite a replacement since cellphone cameras have more megapixels
that the one I currently have. shocking.

Here’s a small picture. (Canon Powershot SD700 IS for the google freaks) It’s a lil small (not the actual size though), but it’s packed with neat features. It has an IS (image stabilization) function which basically prevents the pictures from being blurry if you accidentally shake the camera while you’re taking a shot. It also has a good optical zoom, and a decent LCD., and other really cool functions which i won’t bother to list down since I’m too lazy to write a professional/detailed review on it. I went to Bestbuy last week to give it a hands on test, and I was really pleased. That anti-shake thing is briliant, and the picture qualities are sharper and brighter even at zoomed-in situations. Apart from the pesky salesperson who really wanted me to get it that same day, I really had a good time playing with it. I told him I’ll get it online where its cheaper. hah. that right Bestbuy. being pushy has its consequences.

ok, now you’re probably thinking.. well Chris, why don’t you just get it!? Well… It’s coz this beauty also caught my attention..

It’s a Les Paul Standard electric guitar made by Epiphone. One that has always caught my heart ever since I’ve been exposed to the world of electric guitars. It has really good sounds (excellent sustain, low noise), and of course, a lot of room to make crazy tones out of. It’s not as high quality as it’s $2,000 dollar Gibsone counterpart (structure wise since parts are outsourced from Asia) but decent enough for something in the $500 range. I went ahead and tested it @ Guitar Center and like the stupid camera, I’m freaking cravin it. The clean sounds are lovely, and the overdrive tones are well,, gritty. just the way its supposed to be. The body was solid and I’m guessing as long as I don’t bang it too much on a wall, it would probably still work for a good amount of years. Of course, I’d have to get an amp for this, but shit, I think it’s also worth purchasing.

So. Should I get the Canon Powershot SD700IS or the Epiphone Les Paul Standard? Hmmm. Decisions, decisions… argh. I realized this is a pointless entry since I’m just basically babbling here, but oh well. A cure for boredom I guess..

Tonight I had the option of going to a "boxer and tie" frat party with a friend and a bunch of aquaintances. The event was held at Cantina del Cabo (a famous bar around here in Davis) where basically guys would have to wear only boxers and ties and I guess shoes/flipflops as you go in. Tons of semi-naked hot girls, alchohol, and possibly good bouncy music.

Halfway going there, I decided to walk home.

On my way back, I saw a couple riding their bikes along the streets of small town Davis. Probably going to the park, I thought.

After seeing them, I never felt so sure of who I am, and what I really needed.

I’ve been out of words these days. I don’t know why. I’d like to
think that I’m not depressed… since thinking that I am, simply proves
otherwise. but I am not, of course. I’m just too busy dealing with my
daily grind. hehehe Life after graduation is indeed very though. I just
wish there was some sort of "fast forward" option where I’ll be magically transported to a futuristic state where I can say "Yes, that
was clearly the right path to take" or "Hmmm This is definitely the way
to do it" or "OMG, I discovered the cure to cancer! I’m gonna be
rich!!!". hah. I mean, i know this is just a phase…, I just wish "getting
there" was a lot easier.   But i guess, that’s reality and nobody
can really tell what’s ahead of us. All there is to do is face it and
keep up with the beating.

So what’s the point of all this wondering?? I don’t know. I guess I
felt like I needed a pause from all the random shit that I’ve been
doing lately. Lotta things come and here and there… but then after
all of that’s over and done.. you’re pretty much forced to stick with
the basics. So if anything, this is just me kicking myself in the butt
and saying "Chris, you’re new chapter awaits."

Hopefully.., everything’s gonna be alright.

I realized that I never posted my old blog’s link here on friendster. Since i linked my friendster one to that.. I figured i’d return the favor.

Man, those were the XANGA! days…

cheers. Here’s to 2006!

i really apologize for the lack of substance, but ill gather up my words next time for a longer update.

- i added new pics on the photo albums. feel free to check em. pictures can paint a thousand words… (maybe) hehehe.
- there are two new songs in my MUSIC PAGE. they’ve been there for quite some time now.. but since i never really mentioned it on my last blog.. i figured id mention it here. ^_^

aaand that’s about it. thanks for stopping by. Be Safe.